Divorce for Dads.
Divorce is a sad time for a number of obvious reasons. In my case I ended the marriage. My Ex had been physically assaulting our eldest son and I simply could not allow it. When I told my Ex the marriage was over, she asked why? I told her I needed to give the children somewhere safe to live half the time. There was some hope that this would snap her out of it and that she would see the error of her ways, but alas, that wasn’t the case.
For context, I was in Australia and any man who has been through a divorce in Australia can attest to the disgraceful discrimination men face in this realm.
My Ex got a typical solicitor, a complete scumbag who cares only about money and with no regard for anyone, not even the innocent children involved. The reality however is that whilst scumbag lawyers exist, it takes a scumbag to follow their evil advice and instructions. Well sadly I must say my ex, the mother of my children, was just such a person. Driven by spite and anger as well as greed the war with no winners began.
I discussed my case with numerous solicitors and was in disbelief. Everyone of them to a tee told me that there was a standard procedure when representing a woman in divorce. Step one was to make false allegations of abuse and if no abuse existed, claim intimidation. Essentially if you have an argument and she yells at you and you yell back, she can claim she felt intimidated and that is sufficient to get an ADVO (restraining order for our US friends). This is step one because then the woman gains control of the house and the children. Yes men, it doesn’t matter whose name is on the title, nor who pays the bills, you will be removed from your own home and torn away from your children. In Australia there doesn’t even have to be any proof whatsoever, the claim made by the woman is sufficient to initiate these events. In unfortunate circumstances and with a number of incompetent police (whose secret policy is to remove the men), this may even lead to criminal charges being laid against you.
Step two is to claim you are an unfit parent. This involves being accused of being a drug addict, alcoholic, chronic gambler and all round incompetence. The additional claims are then that the father never cared for the children, never changed a nappy, never fed the baby etc etc. That the father is unfit in everyway to care for a child, even older children.
This was staggering to me because every solicitor firm told me the same thing. When I asked “If you know the system is this corrupt, what are you doing to change it?” The response in all but one case was “Great question, but you’re asking the wrong person”. In short, divorce and family law are so lucrative they have no intention of contributing to change. The legal fraternity as a whole are happy to make exorbitant amounts of money on the suffering of those involved, even the children.
The good news is that although it took 3 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars I did get my children for 50/50 time. And what all dads need to know is that children old enough to understand, they know the truth and turn on the mother. My children want to live with me full time and will do so as soon as they are old enough. I’ve always tried to help heal the wounds and create a closer relationship with the children and their mother, but I can’t erase what she did. The pain she caused our children is pain that will take decades to heal. If any mothers are reading this, bear in mind that the truth always wins out. The children know the truth and if you try to rob them of a loving and caring father, you will one day be the one that suffers. What blows my mind the most is that when a mother has a son and manipulates this system, they perpetuate a system that will one day destroy their own children and allow a woman to falsely accuse them of things and steal their children. It’s insanity and in my case, the mother simply couldn’t see past her own negative emotions. No one gets to dictate who loves who and trying to prevent it will cause children psychological damage that may last a lifetime. Financially, well lets just say that the money wasted on legal fees if invested for the children would have given each child close to a $1million head start in life by their mid 20’s. How does any parent not consider this? It’s insanity and rewarded in such a despicable system.
For the Dad’s out there who are suffering I suggest the following.
Immediately upon separation get drug and alcohol tested every 2 or 3 weeks voluntarily. Build up substantial and undeniable proof you are not these things.
Write to your children or record audio/video at least once per week. Just say what’s on your mind, let them know you are fighting for them and haven’t forgotten them. My ex tried to convince my children I was off with some other woman and had forgotten about them, but my messages show a very different reality. Mylettersto.com is a wonderful device for this and since joining this platform I have downloaded my recordings for the children to receive at a later date. Fortunately they already knew the truth themselves.
Stay in control and do not fall for the tricks. You must control your emotions. My Ex attempted to call me on New Years Eve from her fathers phone. She was hoping that since I hadn’t seen my children for so long that I would answer. This of course would have breached the order in place and had me go to prison for up to 2 years. Yes, that’s how stupid it is, they can get an order, call you repeatedly and if you answer, you are screwed. There is zero accountability for them though. Laws need to be written to hold people like that to the same standard and have them face prison. Orders need to become a 2 way matter. I have even heard of a case where the man was going through this. The ex rang and said the child was extremely ill and that he had to come and watch the other children while she raced the sick child to hospital. When he arrived the police were waiting for him and he was arrested and sent to prison for 2 years. That is 100% a true story. But I digress, you must stay in control and not give into your emotions. Luckily for me when I finally got to court for the ADVO the judge stated that it was being used to prejudice the family court matter and threw it out. The pain is so intense the urge to drink to kill the pain will become very real, but DON’T. Your job as a father is to be strong for your children. Feel the pain, embrace the pain and it will help you grow. I cried everyday. I would dream about being with my children and wake up all alone. It was agony, but I knew that to get my children back, I had to suffer and not look for an escape. Getting intoxicated is a bad option because 1 message, 1 answered call etc (and they will record everything) can destroy your chances. Stay sober, stay in control, suffer the pain. It is the only way.
Remember you can only do what you can to the best of your abilities and with what you can control. My mind raced constantly “What if she gets away with it?” “What if I lose my children?” But I had to breathe, come back to the moment I was in and focus on the things I could actually control. Download all the photos of me caring for the kids, accurately outline years of events (where and when). Build my case. No solicitor knows your story as well as you. It’s hard arduous work, but only you know the truth of your story and events. Put together all the evidence you can and build your case.
NEVER GIVE UP. The pain for some becomes so intense, so hard to endure as time passes. Someone even told me to pretend my children didn’t exist as it would make the pain less. No chance, I was happy to suffer 24/7 and fight, never ever would I pretend my children didn’t exist, however I know for some this becomes a sad reality after years of abuse by a system designed to destroy families. It’s like anything, if you quit, you can’t win. Fight and fight and one day, victory will find you. Kids grow up and even if the system has ruled against you, writing to your children, recording messages etc, one day they will grow up and see the truth. You can’t get back lost time, but you can one day cherish the relationship you built again.
Be proactive in anyway you can, even see a psycholgist and get help to get through. This also buildsa strong case against any claims of mental instability.
The system is often based on bluffs. Once i applied for court the ex’s solicitor wrote and told me that the form wasnt filled out correctly. I wrote back saying that there is no way a Judge would make such a ruling based on filling out the documents myself. I also stated that I was looking forward to revealing not only her clients behaviour and deceptions in court but the solicitors behaviour and deceptions also. 24 hours later my ex had a new solicitor and mediation commenced immediately. Never be afrain to call out their underhanded and illegal behaviour, just be mindful to do it in a professional manner and do not allow emotions to play a part.
Most importantly determine if a divorce is the correct path. I would have tolerate my ex’s behaviour towards me for the sake of the children, but my circumstances were different and it wasn’t an option.
I wish you all well on this difficult journey and hope that this letter gives some of you hope and a guidleine for some of the essential components to getting through this.
Good luck to all and stay strong.